


Painless

by requiedream



Series: Painless [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Love, Romance, Set after S8, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23502943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/requiedream/pseuds/requiedream
Summary: Sansa wishes for her heart to be gone.IT'S NOT ABANDONED ---->BEING REWRITTEN
Relationships: Jon Snow/Sansa Stark
Series: Painless [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691155
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

_"If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other books. In this book, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle." Lemony Snicket from 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'._

☆

If this is what love does, then she didn't want it anymore. Her only desire was to stop hoping because it was killing her. Hoping to see his dark silhouette crossing the courtyard with a white shape at his feet, hoping to embrace him one last time. He could be dead for all she knew. This simple fact was almost too much to bear.

Still, she waited and waited, but no one came through the gates, and each passing year Sansa's heart broke a little bit more.

Loneliness was her only company. Every soul of Winterfell had died long ago or left at one time or another. And she was chained by duty to this place. She didn't complain, after all, she'd fought and bled for it. For the North. Always.

She was made to rule but when the other half of her heart left, it wasn't the same anymore. She was just an empty shell, waiting for the night just so she could cry herself to sleep.

She was so tired.

But still, she put on a brave face before her council and her people, they didn't have to know that their Queen was heartbroken and that she wished to be miles away from here. In a faraway land where snow was the only thing that could warm her heart.

Tired of waiting for a letter to come, she made a decision, she would visit Castle Black. Perhaps he was just overwhelmed by duty just like her and didn't have the time to respond to her letters.

So she rode for days and when she finally arrived she didn't know that a broken heart could still beat. She couldn't believe her eyes when facing the abandoned headquarters. Did Bran know? If so, why didn't he tell her? A lump formed in her throat as she made her way to the room she remembered was his. The room where he placed a comforting hand on hers and looked in her eyes before saying those words she'll never forget.

_'Where will we go Sansa?'_

She could almost feel the ghostly touch of his hand moving from her hands to her face. Sansa closed her eyes remembering his warmth. She missed him. She missed how he would gently place loose strands of her hair behind her ear before pulling her in for a tender kiss. Shadowing memories of him pressed painfully against her chest, slowly suffocating her.

An uneasy feeling made her shiver. This cold and empty place felt wrong. Silence filled every corner of the headquarters and the only noise was her light footsteps on the old wooden floor.

No more crows to fill the air with their cry.

She took a step back to leave the room when she noticed the Stark's stamp seal on some unopened letters by the desk. She opened one of them and recognized her handwriting. It was the first letter she'd sent to him one year after his sentence of exile to Castle Black. She remembered their last conversation on the docks, he needed time and she understood. It was five years ago.

_My dearest Jon,  
_ _Did you forget the promise that we made?  
_ _Can't you see that you gave enough of your life and blood for these people?  
_ _You did enough Jon, father would have been proud of you.  
_ _I am proud of you._  
_Come back home.  
_ _Yours forever, Sansa._

She couldn't believe it. He didn't even open it, and he had left without looking back. Dumbfounded, she didn't recall calling for a guard to light the fireplace. The man did not say a word as the Queen tossed the letter into the fire. She looked lost watching the flames consume the dark letters on the paper.

'Ready my horse.' She quickly commanded, and the Queen of the North never looked back.

Upon arriving in Winterfell she prayed by the Heart Tree. She wished for her feelings and tears to go away but each of her prayers were left unheard.

But not for long.

She was in her study reading a letter from Arya announcing that she and Gendry were coming to visit and that she had something important to tell her. The last she had heard from her sister was when she took off on a ship to explore the world, hair in the air and a serene smile despite the battle scars on her face. After that, Arya only wrote to her once, a couple of years ago. She had sent a brief note from both Gendry and herself. Sansa smiled absently at the memory while writing her reply, her mind elsewhere.

Love, what an odd feeling it was. Once upon a time, when she used to play princess and dragons, she wished to have it all. To love and cherish her prince was all she could ask for and all she could wish for. She probably wished it too strongly and here she was, alone and empty. She sighed and looked out her open window. She stood up slowly to watch the snow falling peacefully on the ground. The Heart Tree was in her line of sight, and Sansa saw something strange.

Little balls of light were floating from the Tree and were making a pathway behind it and through the forest. Curious, she abandoned her parchment and quill and went outside.

_'The night is dark and full of terrors,'_ the priestess Melisandre used to murmur to the flames, but Sansa was not afraid of the night. She'd learned the painful lesson that real monsters were not lurking in shadows. Real monsters put on their most beautiful and charming faces in broad daylight before pouncing on their prey.

_'Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.'_ Cersei used to say that to her. It was the first time in a while she thought of the deceased Queen and Sansa wished that the woman didn't speak the truth but her heart told her otherwise.

She kept following the little lights which looked like fireflies floating into the forest. Then, they stopped abruptly and quickly faded into the night.

Sansa was freezing in her nightdress. As she leaned on a tree to ease her sore feet, she could hear the echo of someone laughing. It was coming from all the directions, she frowned and searched through the trees but nothing came out. A branch snapped somewhere in the wood and the giggling continued, somewhat closer to her ears. It was definitely a child and Sansa tried to straighten up a bit, but a gust of powerful wind knocked her on the frozen ground.

'Once upon a time you wished for your heart to stop beating,' the little voice whispered. Sansa's heart missed a beat and all of a sudden the ground started shaking, and the earth opened before her. A little creature with big green eyes stretched out its tiny hand for her to grasp.

'Sansa Stark your wish is granted.'

She didn't know what came over her but she followed the creature without a word through the pathways of earth until it stopped its tracks and faced her with a mischievous grin.

'Who are you?' She scrutinized the little form, trying to make sense of its odd earthy appearance. Her sharp eyes didn't miss the dark blade at its belt. Dragonglass? But how?

It didn't respond but instead stepped forward and grabbed her tunic, urging her to kneel to be at eye level with it. She watched the odd green of its eyes, so pale it was almost white and saw her reflection in them. The pale reflection of what she had become, a scared little pup without her pack. Didn't she vow to herself to never feel sorry for her existence ever again because of a man? Hadn't she suffered enough? But what they had together was love in its purest form, she was convinced of it. The feelings she had for him were out of this world and she just couldn't renounce them even if at the end they became just a memory.

Could she continue to live with just the memory? Or would it drive her mad, just as it had her aunt Lysa? Driven into madness because of a man she had loved too much.

Wiping the tears on her cheeks, she felt like a little girl again, trapped with the lions without any warm and familiar shoulders to cry on. How many times had she been cornered before being forced to accept the help from people she never asked for? From Littlefinger to the Dragon Queen, she never had her say. They trampled on her as she was just a pawn on their game. But here with this stranger, she can choose for herself.

'Jon,' she whispered for her ears only. His name opened a wound that bled without the touch of a sword. She started to sob quietly with tears that would never dry. Tears that will drown her in the darkest part of her mind.

'Will it be painful?' She asked, unable to keep the tremor from her voice, her watery eyes fixed on the creature.

It didn't respond but pulled a little stone out from under an enormous root. A beautiful veil of blue light pulsated from it and its shape looked like the point of a spear.

Sansa reached out carefully and touched the stone with the tips of her fingers. It was cold and sharp. She looked at the creature puzzled, and saw that it was pointing its index finger to the stone and then to where her heart was.

'Sansa Stark wants the pain to go away,' it declared with its infant voice. It grabbed the stone with its tiny hand, grasping it with hers and pointing it to her chest.

'I will help you, see?' It put its other hand on her heart. 'Here and Sansa Stark will be free for eternity.'

Free? It's true, she paused in contemplation. She remembered praying and wishing for it.

Sansa looked down at her chest, feeling the prick of the stone through her dress.

Free? Yes, she craved for it.

'I want to be free,' she could hear the desperation in her voice, her hands were trembling from fright and she closed her eyes and repeated with more vehemency.

'I want to be free.'

The creature lifted Sansa's chin up and smiled with an odd glimmer in its eyes before pushing the stone a little more on her chest.

'One moment of pain and it will go away forever. One moment of pain and you will be free for eternity.'

Sansa glanced at the blue stone, the slow pulsation emanating from it was reflected in her blue eyes, making them crystal clear.

'Help me,' she heard herself saying, her eyes transfixed by the stone.

'Help me!' She breathy asked with more determination.

One breath and her heart was pounding fast in her head.

Two breaths and her cold hands grasped the stone with strength.

Three breaths and her scream of pain resonated into the earth and shook the leaves of the trees while the stone was slowly pushed into her heart.

Sansa screamed and cried until blood soaked the earth.

A long cry tore the air that night and the lonely wolf was gone.

She crawled from the earth and stood in the stormy night, her dress tainted in red and her hair dancing wildly with the wind. Far off in the distance, she could see the face of the Heart Tree. The light halo of the Moon reflected on its carved eyes. They were bleeding.

'Thank you,' she whispered through the wind.

The silence was her only response.

An absent smile on her face, Sansa paid no mind to the frosty ground on her bare feet.

She was at peace.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three quotes came from the tvshow so credit to it (the one from Jon, Melisandre and Cersei).
> 
> The first betareading was made by SpiceHoney, thank you! And the second betareading was made by Skate815freckles who with her many suggestions helped me improve a lot the chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

_'Don't lean too far,' Jon was anxiously looking at her, ready to catch her at any moment, but she just beamed at him before looking back at the sky. They were on the Wall to witness the sunset before leaving Castle Black. The Sun was almost completely gone, but Sansa didn't care. She had explained to him that she found comfort in it. Wherever she was, day or night, knowing that the sky was the same for all of them was comforting. It was a subtle connection between the ones she cherished and herself that no one could take from her._

_'It's just so beautiful Jon, isn't it?' She asked, softening the question with the gentleness of her tone as if she was not waiting for a response. Her gaze was looking far before her, across the forest and the white plain where a haze of powdery snow was sweeping across the scenery._

_'It is,' he murmured, his eyes only on her._

_He stood by her side and they both watched wordlessly as the sky became black. After a while when the silver of the stars shone in the night sky, he beckoned to her that it was time to leave. He took her hand in his and they moved easily arm-in-arm on the battlements. He could feel her gaze on him, but she looked the other way when she noticed his eyes on her. Her rosy cheeks gave away her shyness._

_'What is it?' He asked gently, tucking her more by his side. Timid was not a word that could describe Sansa Stark, so something must be on her mind._

_'How was she?' Her blue eyes blinking towards him, before pinning themselves to their joined hands._

_At first, Jon didn't know who she was referring to, but it must be only one person for her demeanour to be wary of his response._

_'Ygritte? She was-,' he stopped his train of thoughts, wrapping his face around the memory of the woman who helped him find his true self. 'She was a force of nature,' he continued after a while, a distant look in his eyes as if he was remembering the last day he saw her. Her cold body laying on a pile of wood before turning into ashes behind the Wall._

_Sansa stopped their track and faced him, a tender smile on her lips._

_'I'm glad you had her,' she started, pulling from him, her hands clasped before her while moving alone ahead of him._

_'That you weren't alone in this cold.' She finished, looking at him over her shoulders, her face half hiding in the shadow._

_She seemed to fold herself together, one petal closed in another as her arms wrapped around her middle._

_She kept walking alone._

_Skin-deep. That's how Sansa was since her escape from Ramsay Bolton. She only showed this part of herself to him and wore her ivory mask with others. And sometimes, it made him uneasy to know that she could withdraw within herself in a matter of seconds. He feared how she could easily lose herself with her dark thoughts._

_So he crossed the few meters that separated them and gently but firmly unfolded her arms before placing them on his chest while grasping her wrists._

_'We found each other and that's all that matters Sansa,' he said, searching for her eyes. A timid smile crossed her lips before she embraced him, her arms inside his coat to feel his warmth._

_'We will always have each other.' It was the one thing that he was sure of. Sansa and him._

_'You promise me?' Her uncertain voice made him shiver for something foreign and frightful. Something that didn't happen yet. But they learned that uncertainty ruled their life and so they couldn't dwell on empty words._

_'With my life,' he emphasised the last word before pulling her for a fervent kiss._

'Sing it, sing it again!' The cheerful cries of the children of the camp broke his thought. The memory was slowly fading away in his mind as he watched Tormund being dragged by two little girls by the fire.

'I absolutely don't know what you're talking about lads,' he responded with his hands on his hips and a dubious look on his face. They all giggled at his antics before one of the children grasped his hand and pulled him to sit with them.

Jon observed the interaction from afar as he was leaning against a tree at the edge of the forest. It was a peaceful night behind the Wall, and the clear view of the sky made the moonlight shine brighter than usual.

He used to look up at the sky through a veil of indifference. In this boundless curtain of blue-black, he could only search for the many shapes and forms of the stars. Without desire, that's how he used to view it. But now he searched for a face in it and without looking at her eyes, he searched her with his heart.

He didn't possess a portrait of her but when he closed his eyes he could almost picture her face. Her vibrant hair and bright eyes were the first things he saw before her warm smile made him want to reach out for her.

_'I love you Jon Snow, do you know that?'_

Jon sighed at the memory. Will he ever forget her voice? It was something that concerned him. That she'll become just a memory.

'All right chaps but you have to be quiet,' Tormund's authoritative voice filled the air once more. He viewed his little audience with seriousness.

'This is not a light-hearted song so if I hear even one laugh, I'll ask the big wolf to eat you up!' He pointed at each of the children. A boy nodded frantically at him, with the gravest face that his three year old self could muster.

'You have to feel this song. You hear me? Like your heart is being ripped apart and broken into pieces and... ' He made a pause and wiped an imaginary tear falling from his eye, and the children just stared at him in awe.

He coughed and looked the other way before beginning. His gravelly voice filled the empty air with the melody of a sad story. A story about a girl and her ghosts and how she wept alone with the memories of her loved ones.

Jon knew this song, and he didn't like it. He didn't like how it made his chest heavy with regrets. He didn't like how he pictured the girl with red hair and how she looked at him, disappointment in her gaze.

He lowered his head when the last two verses were sung.

He was tired of hiding in this forever winter. Being exiled made him a King and Jon wanted to laugh at this little twist of life. A Kingslayer who became a King. What a joke, he mirthlessly thought. The needs of the people came before his own, he remembered his father's words to Robb and him when they were little.

_'A true leader doesn't abandon his people even if his duty becomes a burden to him.'_

But weariness was slowly making his life unbearable.

Was it selfish to desire something else for him? All his life he had fought and bled and died for the good of the people. The peace and quiet of this land had helped him ease some of his pain, but he couldn't rid himself of the feeling that something was not right, that he was at the wrong place with the wrong people.

When the sentence of an exile to the Night Watch was proclaimed, he didn't fight or plead. How could he? After leading the destruction and the deaths of thousands of innocents, Jon loathed the man he had become. And how could he live with this burden, knowing that he played in this game of thrones for nothing? That he forgot his true self, following the Dragon Queen in her conquest and thirst for the Lannister's blood?

 _'Dracarys,'_ one word for a thousand lives, he thought with resentment.

He remembered walking on the ruined streets of King's Landing, ashes falling endlessly from the sky and the air smothered by the sting of sulfur and burning flesh. Charred bodies on every corner of his vision, groans of pain and despair assaulted his eardrums. And the petrified faces of the survivors following his path had been too much for him.

He wanted to end it all.

When he stood in front of Daenerys, dagger in his hand, he was prepared to meet death again. But one thing preserved his sanity from driving the dagger into his own flesh.

Sansa finding his lifeless body beside the Queen's own corpse.

She didn't deserve this. She had suffered enough for a lifetime. He could not abandon this life knowing that he would be the cause of her pain.

So when he dived the dagger into the flesh of the Queen, he put all of his resentment and pain into it. He felt sad for this woman whose life had been a never-ending course of losses and revenge, but her blood was cursed and he had to put an end to this madness. He held on her purple gaze when he drove the dagger through her ribs and into her back.

 _'I'm sorry,'_ he had breathly whispered. He was sorry for the lives that were lost that day, for the naive boy who took the black years ago and found himself beaten by life in every step that he took. He murmured a prayer for the mother who never loved him, for the only father he had ever known and the brothers whose lives were taken too soon.

Jon shook his head from the memories harassing his mind. He was on the verge of howling in frustration. And the first touch of panic was growing in him as usual when he spent too much time within himself. This exile was eternal damnation and if he had one chance to break his chains he would.

He tightened more of his cloak around his neck, feeling the wolf's bite on his fingertips. It was burning him. A blustery wind was coming from the south, and Jon could feel that a storm was brewing. The leaves were shaking, and snow began to fall heavily on the ground. He managed to stand up completely before being knocked back against the ground.

'Something is not right Jon,' a familiar voice whispered throughout the air. He kneeled with difficulty on the snow, the wind making his vision blurred. He recognized white pawns in his eyesight. Ghost was sitting in front of him. His normally red eyes were completely white, and he was staring into his eyes.

'Blood and ice Jon, I can see it through the trees, ice would soon replace the blood, there is not much time left before it consumes the life. Go to Winterfell Jon, your heart is in danger.' Ghost blinked, and Bran was gone.

And therefore was Jon Snow.

Tormund didn't question him as he watched his brother in arms pack the few items that he possessed.

'Your heart is in the right place Jon Snow, never forget that', his tone was warm and proud as if he was waiting for this moment to happen.

'Don't come back until you find what you're looking for,' he paused, weighed his words.

Tormund didn't let him utter a word before squeezing him in a bear hug. His friend finally ushered him toward the chestnut mare he had lent to him.

And this is how Jon left in the dead of the night the people he had learned to protect and respect. This time he didn't look back, his gaze was ahead of him, far away in the south.

He travelled for days, the cryptic message of Bran made him uneasy and the fear that something bad happened to her was unbearable. His determination straightened when he looked at the vast plain before him, and at the Wall that surrounded it.

The lonely howl of Ghost in the distance followed him in his path.

And Jon straightened his grasp on the reins.

_Wait for me, my love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to say that this chapter was betareading by EyreHead, thank you!


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